I faked an abortion last night.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
