Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
