My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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