I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
They left me at home... I'm a liability
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
