I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
