so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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