Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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