If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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