She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
