he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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