I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
