He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
