My underwear smells like fireworks.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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