I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
