the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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