how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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