i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
