She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
