I just made out with a guy for $7.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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