im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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