Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize