somebody snuck up and got me drunk
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
COCAINE IS GR8
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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