The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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