remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
