So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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