If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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