do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
