i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
