so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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