Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
