i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
