well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize