I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
