3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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