this beer tastes like vomit already
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
