Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
