Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
