My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
