My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
