i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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