I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
