All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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