Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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