dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
