you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You ruined the universe
Randomize