I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
