Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
