i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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