The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
