I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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