She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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