Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
