Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
