dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
from now on my penis is your penis
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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