the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
