I am midnight drunk by noon
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
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