I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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